I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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