if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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