That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
