Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
