Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Dicks are not precious.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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