i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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