I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
