U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
