im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
