Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
