I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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