Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
