i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
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