If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
