Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
