woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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