I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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