i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
