i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
