I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
