I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
