i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
