Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
