i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Randomize
