i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
