i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
