apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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