my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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