I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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