Yo dont text me then not text me
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
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Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
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I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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