I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize