I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....