do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.