get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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