I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
