I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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