the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
