If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.