I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
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i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
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If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
lol hangovers are for mortals.