Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
