I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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