If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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