The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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