If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
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She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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