She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
