I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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