I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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