He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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