It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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