so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
