having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
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Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
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Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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