Welp...herpes.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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