mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
