I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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