I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize